Once innocence is lost...

Mercy in Me...

reWell...It has been a while since I have written. Oops.

My Dad got transferred to his state prison.  There are some ups and downs to him being there and him no longer being in county.  There are some strict rules in state in regards to communication with family. So not hearing from him as much is hard.  But we are making it.

Mama told me tonight that we are having some family trouble in the Phillipines.  Seems the government decided they want a bunch of land to turn into a golf course and resort.  Well, my family lives on that land - and they are about to be pushed out of it. Will lose their home and such.  What we don't know is if the government is going to pay them for the land they are taking from them. If they don't pay them for it they will be in extreme trouble. My family there is literally 3rd world living. They are making their living on the 780 banana trees that are on their land. Which will be inevitably destroyed.  So there is one more burden on top of my mom.  I don't want to trust that they will give them money.  The Philippines is a weird running country.  The large amount of Guerrillas and Al Queda doesn't help either.

Everything else is going okay. Of course I am blessed to have what I have.  I praise God for that. But I think I am losing my mind, and struggling with my faith.  I can't exactly explain it.

I met a guy...well then unmet him.  He is really a sweet guy, and I found myself interested in him.  Things were going really great but then when I didn't get any phone calls from him I figured he lost interest. Found out from my friend who introduced us that he likes me too much to get involved with me. Do'h. He realized I am leaving in January and does not want to deal with the heartache. Gah. And I really liked him. Go figure!

Mercy in Me - Todd Agnew

A poor man on the corner
I could give to You by buying him lunch
But I rarely think about it
‘Cause I got a little but it’s not that much
And I pray Lord won’t You help me
Give me a little bit more for myself
And You say child won’t you let me
Take all that you got and give you a little real wealth


And I don’t know what You want
What You see in my life
And I don’t know what You mean
How You could be glorified
And I’m not to sure about this idea of sacrifice
What You mean by mercy, mercy in me
Your mercy in me

A young girl in an old house
Three kids and another on the way
She’s in desperate need of some new clothes
But I keep my old ones and tell her I’ll pray for her
But Your heart breaks for those kids
And that child of a mom who’s one of Your own
When a few gifts and a little time is another crown
I could lay at the feet of Your throne

And I don’t know what You want
What You see in my life
And I don’t know what You mean
How You could be glorified
And I’m not to sure about this idea of sacrifice
What You mean by mercy, mercy in me
Your mercy in me

Gorgeous Sail Boat in the Chesapeake Bay

Woes & Worries

Well tonight was the first time I have been to church since my Dad was sent to prison.  It was not that I was avoiding church, it was just that I was out of town.  Anyway, it was really hard for me. It was just me and my mom. My little sister had to work. Usually the whole family is there (including my dad).  Before hand people kept coming up to me giving me their sympathies and offering help if needed, which was a blessing but was hard to pretend to smile.  I am trying to be strong for my family. I want to be the one with the solid head, who is able to keep her cool during the hardest.

During the praise and worship, when certain lyrics would come up, I would keep getting glances from the people. Kind of like them saying "These lyrics are for you and your family" to me through their eyes. Which was absolutely amazing that they cared so much - but trying to pretend your strong when you don't want to be makes it so hard.

(Jesus, You are my best friend...and you will always be...nothing will ever change that...Jesus, You are my best friend...and you will always be...and nothing will ever change that)

God has blessed us tremendously, even though things are rough and we are looking for answers and direction he is continually protecting and helping us.  I am really trying to get back on track with God.  I know what he has for me, and I know what he has called me to do, but I have been so dry the past few years it has been hard to get stronger.

Which leads to my next dilemma. Charlie.  I like him a lot, and he is possibly going to come down here to see me next week - which I am absolutely excited about. He is such a sweet guy and we get along amazingly.  But he is not a Christian. He is a Catholic, but does not have a relationship with God.  This poses a huge problem if we were to get serious. I am trying to keep my heart in control, but I like him. I just don't want to be setting us both up for heartache.  I am trusting that God is going to direct us, and if he is not going to come to God, then I cannot be with him.

Anyway...So much going on in my mind - Can't keep it all straight.

Picture of the Day:

Me and my "brother" Edward. By love and not blood.