Once innocence is lost...

Woes & Worries

Well tonight was the first time I have been to church since my Dad was sent to prison.  It was not that I was avoiding church, it was just that I was out of town.  Anyway, it was really hard for me. It was just me and my mom. My little sister had to work. Usually the whole family is there (including my dad).  Before hand people kept coming up to me giving me their sympathies and offering help if needed, which was a blessing but was hard to pretend to smile.  I am trying to be strong for my family. I want to be the one with the solid head, who is able to keep her cool during the hardest.

During the praise and worship, when certain lyrics would come up, I would keep getting glances from the people. Kind of like them saying "These lyrics are for you and your family" to me through their eyes. Which was absolutely amazing that they cared so much - but trying to pretend your strong when you don't want to be makes it so hard.

(Jesus, You are my best friend...and you will always be...nothing will ever change that...Jesus, You are my best friend...and you will always be...and nothing will ever change that)

God has blessed us tremendously, even though things are rough and we are looking for answers and direction he is continually protecting and helping us.  I am really trying to get back on track with God.  I know what he has for me, and I know what he has called me to do, but I have been so dry the past few years it has been hard to get stronger.

Which leads to my next dilemma. Charlie.  I like him a lot, and he is possibly going to come down here to see me next week - which I am absolutely excited about. He is such a sweet guy and we get along amazingly.  But he is not a Christian. He is a Catholic, but does not have a relationship with God.  This poses a huge problem if we were to get serious. I am trying to keep my heart in control, but I like him. I just don't want to be setting us both up for heartache.  I am trusting that God is going to direct us, and if he is not going to come to God, then I cannot be with him.

Anyway...So much going on in my mind - Can't keep it all straight.

Picture of the Day:

Me and my "brother" Edward. By love and not blood.

Jail Visit

I saw my dad today, for the first time in my life I was in one of those booths, where you talk on the phone and there is a glass window.  My dad was wearing  surgical mask because they have to until their TB tests come back clear.  All I saw were his pale blue eyes which were tinted red from him not getting any sleep and crying. He was wearing bright orange and thankfully was not wearing any cuffs. 

Kristle saw him and started bawling, but I would not let myself cry. I wanted my Daddy to see me strong. But unfortunately it threw me into an emotional mess. So I have spent the rest of the afternoon watching TV and sleeping.

I know that this is going to affect me more emotionally than I am letting on.  My pastor keeps telling me to let the emotions out. That I need to get them out in order to heal. I know all of this. I am studying to be a Chaplain. I know the process of grieving, and of overcoming. But it does not mean I am going to allow myself to do it easily.

I just am scared that if I let myself get emotional about it, then who is going to be strong for my sister and mom?

I never thought my Dad would be incarcerated.

My Daddy's Gone...

My Dad got 8 years in prison, starting this morning. I am really sad that I was not able to give him a hug goodbye. They just ripped him from us before we could even blink.  He is in county jail for the next few months until there is room to place him into a state prison.  Until he is moved to a state prison I will not be able to hug him. I get to see him two times a week for twenty minutes through a glass window on the phone.  What hurts the most though is my mom was not able to give him a hug and kiss goodbye. And when I told her that she would not be able to touch him for a while she broke into tears.

My little sister is who I am worried the most about though, my parents were her only stability in her life. Rock solid, never changing. She was so relient on my dad, she used him as her rock. She was the definition of a Daddy's girl.  Now that he is gone she is really distraught.  Little things set her bawling.  Pepsi in the refrigerator, His John Deere collection in his office. I am so worried about her.

Then I am worried about my mom. She is from another country and my Dad has handled most of the finances and the logistical stuff around the house. Now that he is not here she is really lost. I told her I would handle the financial stuff, and thank God Glenn is here to help me figure it out. I don't know how in the heck any of it works.

I try not to let myself cry around them, I am trying to be the voice of reason that always says "everything is going to be alright", "God is helping us through", and all those things that usually come out half hearted.  But the truth is, I am scared to death for my Dad.  First off for his safety, then for his spiritual side and his joy and then for him being gone for so long.  The lawyer made it clear to him, that when people ask him why he is in for him to say "drugs" because if he told them what it really was he would be beat up in ways I can't bear to think about.

My family is so close, I love my Dad so much.  I could never wish for anyone better...but my heart is broken.


         

D-Day

Tomorrow morning at 9am I will be sitting in a court room for the first time - petrified.

My Dad's make or break court date is tomorrow. It is really a sentencing hearing, and we are appealing for probation. What my Dad did was wrong, but he never acted on it. It was just all talk that got him in trouble. He has a squeaky clean record, so there is a chance we may leave there with him having probation. Which is what we are praying so hard for.

I have not cried about the situation since he got arrested last November. A few weeks ago I found my dad sobbing on the floor and my mom with him - but I just did not shed one tear. I stood there, cold as stone. Not upset or mad or anything like that. Just emotionless. I think it may be the way my mind and heart wants to handle it. I have a feeling once I get on that stand to testify for my dad, and the situation starts to sink in, I may lose it.

I am praying so hard that my dad gets probation and does not have to do time. If he has to do time everything will be turned upside down and we will really just be fighting to keep afloat.

So tonight - I will lay down in my bed - but probably not sleep.